Fixing Bad Commercials: The Worst Commercial

So, if you're not sure what commercial I'm talking about, see the previous post. And then meet the rest of us after the jump:


So. That sure was a pretty bad commercial. Here it is, if you want to see it again.

This is what is known in advertising as "an abomination." Let's... let's take a look at the logic here:

1. Commercial for a pad that soaks up stray urine

2. Hire... wait, what? Whoopi Goldberg? Uh, okay, you guys must have something really appropriate planned for

3. Wait are... is that supposed to be... Whoopi Goldberg as Lady Godiva?

Well, now my eyes are vomiting tears and my mouth is crying vomit.

Consider that, in order for Whoopi Goldberg to be Lady Godiva, they had to shoot it from an angle that really doesn't convey that information very well. I mean, she could be Rapunzel riding a horse, save the accent. So why bother?

And what's the logic behind the bad accents? Are they supposed to be funny? Is your joke here seriously that "bad accents sound bad?" Holy crap.

Wait, wait, let's back up.

No, let me tell you a little secrWAIT WHAT WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

Even if this isn't the worst commercial ever proper, that's gotta be one of the worst opening lines to a commercial ever.

See, most commercials about bodily functions can go a couple different ways: namely, clinical or euphemistic. Or some weird blend of the two (this is usually for Cialis/Viagra/Extenze commercials).

This commercial, though... which was is it going for? It seems to be trying for euphemistic, but then, aside from the opening lines, this happens:

 Complete with previous hand gestures, because why the hell not

So at this point it's kind of left euphemism behind, and now its plan is to sell its product by, uh... reaching out to fans of Whoopi Goldberg? Are... are there any left after this point in the commercial?

Also: spritz? They're not under the impression that's an Italian thing to say, are they?

And what's that background doing behind her? Is she the painting, or is she the real Mona Lisa sitting in front of a backdrop for some reason?

Then:

"Ma'am, I've never kicked anyone out of my mattress store before, but you're upsetting the customers."

Okay, I don't understand what's going on with her accent here. Obviously she's either the Princess from "The Princess and the Pea," or she's Marie Antoinette as illustrated by someone who had no idea who that was.

So what's her accent there? And if your whole thing is "accents," why go with this as one of your characters?

I think it's kinda clear (at least to me) that really no one had any idea and so when it came time to shoot, Whoopi's mind latched onto the "old ladies" in the dialog and just did an (awful) "old lady" voice. Which really stands out in contrast to the thing she's supposed to be portraying.

"It's a product you could sell on TV!"

Wait, what? A very, very quick skim of Wikipedia reveals nothing about sisters (two brothers who she married, though, "as per Egyptian custom"). Okay, so is she Cleopatra, or is she Whoopi Goldberg playing Cleopatra? And if so, why?

Wait...

She appears to be an only child.

Wait, who am I watching sell me this thing? In order for her "sister" comment to make any sort of sense, I'd have to be watching Whoopi Goldberg's character from Sister Act 3: Nun of Your Business playing Cleopatra for some reason.

I'm beginning to suspect this commercial is not of very high quality.

I could go on but really, do I need to?

So how do you fix it?

Oh boy, this is a tough one. Find out tomorrow!