Gideon Conversation

The Setting: A Place. The Gideons are handing out copies of the New Testament. The Gideons are mostly old men in suits of varying quality, and when people pass them by they seem even frailer, their suits even thinner, as if something has deserted them. Then another person passes by and they regain that spark and try again.

I take one, mainly to show support. They could be street-preaching about how America is the new Sodom and jezebels tempt honest young men in the streets or what the hell ever, but instead they're just quietly handing out copies of the New Testament, being ignored by most people.

So, as I said, I take one. The man smiles at me. I encounter another one a little farther down. The New Testament is small and thin, about the size of a box of playing cards, and it rests in my pocket where this new Gideon can't see it.

Gideon: Would you like one, sir?

Me: No thanks, I'll wait for the movie.

I show him the New Testament.

Me: Nah, I'm just kidding, I already got one.

He smiles. As I walk away, he calls after me, as an afterthought, perhaps worried that I haven't fully been sold on the book.

Gideon: Well, it's, I mean, it's almost as real as a movie!

Me: Haha, yeah...

I resume walking. A moment passes.

Me (thinking): Wait...

Fixing Bad Commercials: Singing (featuring NAPA Know-How)

Singing in commercials can be a fun, lighthearted way to communicate a message. The more clever the lyrics and the more catchy the song, the more an audience is going to respond to it. Unfortunately, most people leave out the first part (I'm struggling to think of a good example of it) and instead just focus on the second part.

You've probably seen a lot of local commercials that make this mistake (perhaps they even drop some phresh beats and lay down a rap!) but national commercials are also guilty of this. Companies, here's the thing. Just because your song is catchy doesn't mean that it's likeable.

The people who made the NAPA Know-How commercial don't understand this.

Okay, so, to start with, we've got this:

When the very first words of your commercial are the protagonist talking about how he doesn't care about other human beings (evidenced by his careless disposal of the very organ he is lacking), you should know that your character is going to come across as broken at best and insane at worst. We'll see which it turns out to be.

Space Age Drink Machine

I'll confess that I'm a little late on this one. I could have written about this at the beginning of summer, but I was really friggin' busy and never had time to stop and assemble the material. Hopefully, though, this will still be new to some of you. Also know that this would have been a scoop. I want you all to still give me credit for that.

In fact, at the restaurant where I encountered this machine, the workers proudly told me that it was the first one in the state. Badass.

In short, those old-school drink machines you may know and love--the ones with nozzles for each drink, like so:

may become as much a part of our past as the Stone Age.


That's right, say hello to the new kid in town:

THE SPACE AGE DRINK MACHINE.

Now, I know it doesn't look like much, but that's just 'cause I didn't get a very good picture of it. So I'll have to paint a picture... with words.

(I could just find a picture of it from the internet, but to do so would be to acknowledge that there are other sites out there carrying this story, and I'm just not ready to do that.)

Imagine one of those self-serve ice-cream machines. Now imagine only one dispenser thing.

Or, imagine one of those Coinstar machines:

Or one of those stand-alone ATM Machines:

Except they look like this:

I hope that's clear enough.

Find out more about the machine that will change the entire world after you click read more:

I Haven't Forgotten About This Blog

I'm writing a new post as we speak. It's going to be about something awesome.

I am the Best at Album Cover Photos

Here's something you may not know about me: I am the best at taking album cover photos. You know the kind I mean: weird, almost-lazily wandering photos that capture either ordinary moments, extraordinary things, or the ordinary made extraordinary. There's an art to it, to be sure, but I can't explain it to you any more than I can explain breathing without forgetting what "ATP" means. It's just a gift that one has, a kind of poetry that infuses the day. At the end of it all, all I know is that I have this rare and wondrous ability.


Unfortunately, so far my only clients have been indie bands.


Now, some of these bands are good, and some of these bands are bad, but you can't blame a guy for wanting to branch out. If Eminem, Jay-Z, or the Beatles want me to do some stuff for them, we will work us out a deal.

Click the "read more" link after this sentence to see my art come alive:

THE NIMBLOG WILL RETURN

On August 24th. Mark your calendars.

Fixing Bad Commercials: The Travelers Insurance Dog

So I want you to think of at least one problem with this advertisement. After you watch the two videos, click "read more" to see if you and I are on the same wavelength. If you thought of a different problem with it, or couldn't find very much wrong with it at all, that will be interesting because it's entirely possible that I am the only one who hates this commercial concept.

Anyway, the two videos:

And now the read more link:

Every Other Day

...is the new update schedule for this blog. I'm going to be a little busy for the next couple of weeks, so I thought it was better to shift to a schedule that would leave me a little room for error.